Being a Devoted Mother is My Best Ambition, for Today

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote about my desire to write and publish a work of fiction. In that time, I had the pleasure of visitng a bookstore and looking over its literature section. I was on a date with my husband, and we had had a lovely dinner, so I was in the uncommon state of being able to think for minutes at a time. I was struck, as I have been at times in the past, just how there is not ambition, not even writing, that will ever truly satisfy me. I felt nudged by the Holy Spirit once again to be grateful for what is real and true and good in my life, namely, my family and being a fully-present mother and wife for them. All these books on the shelves... they had the smell of vanity and death to them. So much of what they contain offers nothing useful or true or inspiring. Yes, I can love literature. Yes, I can find it transforming. But more often, what passes as "literature" anymore is depressing. I found freedom from the idea that being published would somehow "prove" I have something worth saying, since it is clear from what is published that that is not always the case. I found freedom from the idea that to be published would be my greatest achievement. I have known before it would not be, but I needed to be reminded. What is it to have a book on a shelf in a bookstore, even one that can transform lives for the better, if I have traded hours with my children to attain that? So again I was comforted and urged by God's generous spirit that this can wait... I have all I need for a sense of happiness and accomplishment in the family He has given me. Oh, I do treasure these days with the five children growing up together. These are the pinnacle years of our family in some ways. I hope we will have many happy memories together. Tonight my oldest son left his bedroom to be with Geni and me as I read her bedtime stories. He laid down on the floor next to her and put his head up against her. She snuggled into him. He is so sweet to the two little ones. I am often charmed.

I've been sick since yesterday with some kind of bug--giving me a bad pain in my stomach and back, becoming a mild fever with aches and sleepiness today (Sunday). When I am sick I realize just how much our health is a blessing. I was pondering that on Saturday even before I got sick, yet there's nothing like a bout of illness to drive it home. I just want to let rest any ambitions and annoyances and be glad we all have our health. It is so good. Since I study Medical Transcription, I come into contact with all kinds of diseases, surgeries and such. I find it fascinating, but I also find it making me want to steward my health even more. I look forward to more time for working out and swimming and long hikes. Maybe I'll get into horseback-riding again; it was always a surprising workout.

I continued reading the library book by Iris Murdoch today. I understand from my dad that she writes on similar themes in her novels. I'm not sure where she's going exactly in this book (The Sea, The Sea), and I'm more than halfway through it (skipped some sections) but it deals with mental illness, to some degree, with unrequited love, with abusive marriage. It is somewhat disturbing, as so much literature often is. I can only take so much of that. I am glad I can create a home where my children can find safety and love and customized care. They will be brushing up against the "horrors" in this world more and more as they mature. Just as I am glad I can put a disturbing book down and go make a hearty soup for my family or put fresh sheets on their beds, so I am glad they can come home from a sordid and selfish world to a place where they are dearly cared for. There is no better use for my time.

P.S. I don't want it to sound as though I think the world is all bad. Quite the contrary. I very much enjoy getting out to do fun and interesting things. I long to share more of that with them as my time is freed up, and I am excited for their futures, for where they will go and what they will do apart from our family. At the same time, however, I am very aware that lives can take a dramatic turn, that we are not in total control. Some of us lose our health, or suffer in other ways. I am not morbid, just realistic. So there is today, and what we can do with it is all we have. I need to keep my focus on the positives I can be a part of here, today, and trust my God for what tomorrow will bring.