Cloth Diapers are Luxurious

Well, the expensive kind are anyway! :)

I am enjoying using the BumGenius variety on my 19-month old. I have wanted to switch from disposables for a l-o-n-g time, mostly because I hate adding to land-fills. The long-term savings should be helpful, too. So this switch has made me feel very satisfied.

I will likely continue to rely on paper diapers for outings and maybe nighttime, naps, babysitters.... But it's not very hard to deal with cloth, at least these easy pocket types. I especially love that I can use a special tool, which DH attached to the toilet, which sprays off nearly all the pooh! Makes wash time a cinch, and leaves no stains. :)

Here's a few photos that make me happy!

First Day of the Dipe!


Just going about my business. See my cute bum?


Classic Tushy Shot :)


I love my diapers!


Summery SAHM-kind-of sight (I don't use my clothesline all that much, actually ;-)

Great Neighbors are a Great Blessing!

I am continually reminded how good I have it here in my neighborhood. We moved here almost 8 years ago to live close to other families in our church. There have been some moves in and out among our church friends, but since we moved here there have been 7-9 families living within a mile of each other, usually much less than that. What's more, these families have a strong commitment to living out their Christian faith in practical, supportive ways. DH and I are probably the youngest couple, and we are the only ones still having children, so we feel like we give the least and benefit the most. I hope someday we can give back better.

Tonight I was home with just my 1yo while DH took the older children to the pool (well, our 9yo DD had gone to one of these friends' homes for a sleep-over already). The doorbell rang and I pulled my heavy, pregnant self to the door. What a pleasant surprise to find my neighbor-from-about-a-mile-away, MK, on my doorstep. She is a mother to five older children, the youngest is 12, and she has such a generous, kind nature, which is never more evident than when around an expectant woman. She visited for about an hour, during which time my family returned and enjoyed her company as well. We talked about birth experiences (of course), raising children in the internet age, her aging mother-in-law, her volunteer tutoring, and shifting our priorities through the stages of mothering.... It was such a mood-lifter. I was feeling a bit lonely this weekend, and actually cried this morning as my husband and children left for church without me. Her visit helped to put my end-of-pregnancy emotions into better perspective.

She is a back-up to my other neighbor for when I go into labor. I wish all Americans had the level of support among their neighbors that I enjoy. Of course, it is a challenge for many of us just to BE available as a good neighbor ourselves. I'm afraid we've all but lost the art of it--in the suburbs, anyway.

Today is Baby's Due Date

I am officially, exactly, unmistakably 40 weeks pregnant today....

I have never reached this milestone before. All my babies came early, except for my first, who was born ten minutes after midnight on his due date. I labored with him 24 hours, so it was a real question as to whether he'd be born the day before his due date. With this baby, there's little question--I am going overdue for the first time.

I have mixed feelings about that. My curious self is happy for this new "experience." I like to know I've experienced, even savored, much from the things I care about most. Now I'll have some idea of what it's like to pass that due date and be staring into the unknown. I do have one goal in sight, though. As much as I'd like to give birth sooner rather than later, it would be pretty cool to have the baby born in five days, on 8/8/08. :)

I am just now realizing that this pregnancy journey is coming to a close. I love being pregnant. I am fortunate that the morning sickness is never too bad, and that my health seems to bloom during these nine months. I feel more alive, more necessary, more feminine. I take frequent pleasure in baby's movements.

Despite the irritability that comes at this late stage, when it is difficult just to move across the room, and every night at bedtime brings uncertainty as to whether I'll be home the next day or in the birthing center, and everywhere you go people must question and comment on your pregnancy, usually while staring at your landmark of a belly... despite those things and other little annoyances, I do want to embrace these last moments with the mystery of pregnancy. We don't yet know the baby's gender, and are very eager to meet him or her, but as I wait, I can hopefully just enjoy this, not knowing if I will EVER be pregnant again.

Part of a Peculiar Tribe

From an article in this weekend's edition of the Wall Street Journal (July 19-20, 2008), by Dominique Browning:

It is always the case that a gardener will make a garden; we can't help ourselves and when we don't, we are no longer gardeners. End of story. It is a state of being. People who garden are their own peculiar tribe, compelled to get their hands into the earth. I recognize my behavior as a form of adaptation to habitat. Gardening has been the way I've made myself feel at home every place I've lived as an adult. Some people settle in by decorating; some get to know the neighbors; some explore the shops. Gardeners have to dig, and leave their trace on a patch of earth.

I don't know about her first assertion, that those who aren't gardening cease to be gardeners.... I think there are times when a person might have to forego that passion, and yet still in their soul see a landscape yet to be, and imagine their touch upon it.... But I do agree with everything else, and I feel so much better now about my lack of interest in decorating! :)

Butterflies!

Mid-summer is here now, and as I'm 38 weeks pregnant, my gardening season has had to wind wa-a-a-ay down.

Here are pictures of some butterfly fun we've enjoyed recently, once our new butterfly bush flowered.

I believe this is a black swallowtail:






This must be a Red Admiral:


And this odd thing is known as a hummingbird moth:

Which is the Fairest of Them All?

I have garden fever lately, so I will likely be scarce around here in Blog World. But I had to post some favorite garden pics... I have way too many to sort through but I hope to do this from time to time....

Tulips are making me insanely happy this year. These were just planted last year from an assortment, so I didn't know what would come up.






I bought this asian lily as a flowering plant last year, so this is the first time I'm seeing it come up from below... it surprises me how differently it's coming up from my only other lily, an oriental stargazer lily. I love how fat and symmetrical the main rosette is. :)


I find it fascinating the way ants pester peony blossoms and yet seem to do no harm, but I didn't know until now that the ants start while the buds are yet forming....


And finally, I'm diggin' my compost! ;-) Get an eyeful of it now!! :-D

A Bright Day

Another lovely day in a week of them. It was a good week for puttering in the garden while my 1yo discovered dirt.

View from my kitchen window today. I love this place.













A new tulip

Death, a stranger and a friend

[I wrote this several weeks ago but found it hiding as a draft and decided to post it after a quick revision.]

Death is not a topic I've ever tried to write about. (Actually, come to think of it, there was that really bad story I wrote in ninth grade....) I am a novice at this subject. I have not had to experience much in the way of loved ones dying, and certainly nothing tragic in my own family. But it's on my mind lately for several reasons.

One, in another post last month I mentioned that I am glad we cannot stop death. That is still true, but wow, it is a complex sentiment. I felt badly after writing it as my mind turned to a mother who has had to experience (such a poor word, sorry I can't think of a more suitable one!) her infant son's illness and death, and then I thought of several other real people I know who have had tragic losses. Was I too callous in writing that I'm glad we do not control death? Maybe somewhat...to the degree I didn't explain where I was coming from, at least. Death is highly personal, and what I wrote had to do with death as a principle. It is central to my devotion to God that He be the sole One who controls when "all men are appointed to die." I love Him for this. I love His power and sovereignty. Yet I am sure it is hard to stand in the face of its harsh reality. War, cancer, poisoning, drowning, torture, mutilations, murder, suicide... these are tough paths and I am unfamiliar with them. Above all, losing a child must be an astoundingly wretched and enduring pain. I can only hope that in every case, mercy follows close behind.

Second, there is a type of death I am familiar with... it is "death to self." Death of ego. Death of expectations, of dreams. This is something I've once again experienced recently. I hate going through His refining process... up until the point I realize that's what it is. Sometimes it takes weeks or months of slogging through half-truths and complaints and resentments and delusions before I cry out to God to relinquish my load. And then I crumble. The truth rushes upon me, breaking down all the false arguments in my mind and spirit, weakening me, making me listen to that "still, small voice." And then I know I am in good hands. Broken, but better off broken. What I was holding out for, my rights, my expectations, my dreams... all become so much less in the significance of my humbled spirit in His sight, and the tenderness with which He speaks to me in the aftermath. I am more alive. There is direction for the contrite. Righteousness is the path He puts us on, but it is the opposite of self-righteousness. It is righteousness accompanied only by the death of self, and yes it is narrow, it has definitions and limits, but it is pure, and it goes ever onward toward greater things.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise.
Psalm 51:17, A psalm of David

Most assuredly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat
falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone;
but if it dies, it produces much grain.
He who loves his life will lose it,
and he who hates his life in this world
will keep if for eternal life. --Jesus Christ
John 12:24-25

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present,
but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields
the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those
who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11

Finding the "spring" in her step

Just a quick post, with pics showing my one-year-old, who has been walking great since before Halloween (at 9 months old!), taking tentative steps outside as she made the acquaintance of grass for the first time. :)

Real life

Why does life have to be so hard, emotionally? Why can’t I just have fun for a l-o-n-g summery season? Not party-hearty fun, but real, deep-down, soul-stirring, satisfying fun, like at a picnic with dear friends… at the beach… for weeks… with beauty and peace and kindness and laughter and great food and long walks and rest, as much as you want of all the above? Is it just that I’m a melancholy or is this dilemma true for everyone? Do sanguines have more fun? Hey, I’m blonde and I’m asking that question! hehehe

I drove somewhere today and soaked in the sunshine, the newly-verdant grass, the popped daffodils…and I thought, here it is, the green season, the season of growth, so clearly evident in our surroundings but also as marked in the church calendar, and I just want the season to be about growth and only growth, about feeling happy, without all the work to do… without the weeds… but the weeds always come, those feelings and problems that rob us of happiness... and the prunings come, from the Great Vinedresser… for our good, but painful nonetheless…. We don’t ever get a true break for a whole season…. There’s always spiritual work to do, in dealing with our emotions, with relationships, with work, etc. I’m sorry to be depressing, just having a day….

Why is it that “If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”? I’m thinking that could be viewed at least two ways, and I wonder which people mean more often: If Mama is a grump, everyone suffers because she’s suddenly a brute…. Or, if Mama is a grump, everyone including the papa is suddenly lost and unhappy because they look to her to be the family planner, the spiritual lamp, always joyful and patient, ready to offer a listening ear, a word of praise, an explanation, a band-aid, a hug, a bedtime story, a heartfelt talk, some homemade cookies…. Such a lot of expectations on just two shoulders. Just having a day….

Morning Meditation on Psalm 144

Save me (us), and deliver me (us) from the hand of strangers, whose mouth talketh of vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity:
That our sons may grow up as the young plants, and that our daughters may be as the polished corners of the temple;
That our garners may be full and plenteous with all manner of store; that our sheep may bring forth thousands, and ten thousands in our fields;
That our oxen may be strong to labour; that there be no decay, no leading into captivity, and no complaining in our streets.
Happy are the people that are in such a case; yea, blessed are the people who have the Lord for their God. Psalm 144:11-15

In reading this from the Psalter in the Book of Common Prayer, I noticed how it dovetails with my prayer time from earlier this morning. My two oldest children were preparing to head back to school after a week of spring break, and my heart was full with longing for them to be strengthened in their own susceptible spirits.

There is a “grip” that the strangers’ hands can have on our children, whether those people be acquaintances in real life, or whether they enter our domain through the portals of television, books, video games, etc. As parents we can look back on our own upbringings and remember many distinct ways we were touched and shaped out of innocence and into a wider knowledge, some of it elevating and some of it carnal, and sometimes in unpleasant and inappropriate ways. If we are honest, we know we cannot stop this process, nor would we want to, as our children must become wise adults as we strive to be ourselves. But it is a difficult journey to walk as a parent, and I find this passage soothing. I believe God desires to make our sons as plants—vigorous, moving out into the world to create new life, to start new homes, to take dominion in honest and upright ways that glorify their Maker; and our daughters to be virtuous, strong, supportive and gracious, just as the pillars of a temple are both useful and pleasant to look upon. There is no denying that the allure of a beautiful young woman is a fact of nature, I am not being sexist. I just desire for my daughters to stand upright, to radiate righteousness, and to find a good use for themselves, neither denying their beauty nor exploiting it.

I love the verses about the abundance in the fields, too. Although modern readers often convert their meaning to have more relevance to their careers and material needs for today, which I think is also appropriate, I personally desire to have actual pastures with healthy, prolific flocks, and I wish more people today wanted that. I wish our food sources were local, wholesomely raised, and engaging all our faculties and those of the wider community.

A Small Wonder

The other day, March 26th, my daughters were soaking up the warm air and sunshine that had finally alighted here after a week of dreary rain. And that one day is all it took. Pop! A star was born.



Isn't she lovely?? This was the first flower to open in our yard, and the girls were delighted to report this fact to me the moment I stepped outside to check on them. They also reported that the next-door neighbor had the VERY first flower; they have been surveying the street for several weeks for just such a newsworthy event.

What is so cool about crocuses is they are soooooo minute, hardly noticeable, and yet as they are the first thing to bloom here, they are GRAND!!! Their entrance on the "red carpet" gets my attention (and that of my daughters) every year. Just so happens this one pictured is one that I planted last fall, whereas the ones we had inherited upon moving in, found elsewhere in our front yard, seem to have disappeared. I am so proud of my little star!

from a distance--is it visible at all??:


closer


right on top

More Thoughts on Being Judgmental--Not a Simple Subject

I wrote on this subject last week. The more I think about the subject of "judgment" and on humans being judgmental, the more I recognize it is considerably complex, and I don't wish to do it a disservice. Still, I know I have a lot to learn and this will not exhaust the topic.

There is an element to "being judgmental" that I didn't mention the other day but of which I have long been aware. It is probably what is meant most often when people complain about others being judgmental, and I agree it is troubling. It is rather hard to put my finger on, exactly, but I will try.

Perhaps one way to explain what I'm thinking is to use the analogy of a courtroom. The jury weighs the evidence and they are supposed to decide whether the defendent is guilty or not of the charges brought against him based on the evidence. However, they do NOT pronounce what the punishment should be, that is the job of the judge, if I understand correctly. I think what becomes offensive to people is this stepping over the line of simply disagreeing in our minds and hearts with someone's actions or beliefs, according to our moral standards, to standing in the place of the "executioner" and either proclaiming condemnation on a certain belief or action, or doing/not doing/saying/not saying something to make the person feel condemned (or at least foolish in petty matters). We are not to "sentence" our fellow man to condemnation, for one simple reason: only God knows a man's heart and He alones retains the authority to render judgment on a soul. That is heady stuff that pierces my soul whenever I consider it. I cannot fully know another's heart. I am not their Judge. It is that misplaced condemning element that I think is most offensive and what people are referring to when they claim someone is being judgmental. I don't like to see it in others, and I don't like to see it in myself. But where do we go from here? Too many people in this generation feel it is inappropriate for anyone to form any decisive opinions about "right" and "wrong" behavior (even though they themselves do it in ways they are not conscious of!), and that was one of the reasons for my original post on March 21st.

I am struggling with this concept more these days because I hear many people talking about the details of their lives and in many instances I can clearly see where they are courting folly. For instance, in making house-buying decisions, I can see that to put nearly zero money down, take out a large mortgage ($100,000+) and not have any savings either is simply unwise. The buyers are putting themselves in a precarious place. Especially during what is an obvious housing crisis, it angers me that so many people have done this as it affects more than just themselves (and I hold the greedy and/or careless lenders just as responsible). Is this behavior immoral? I don't know, and cases do vary of course (I realize that not all of the current housing troubles are due to the above scenario). But in most cases to act such is reckless, especially where dependents are involved. Then there are the women who actively attempt to have a baby with their boyfriends who are only partially committed, yet they adamantly claim they do not want to be a single mom. If no one is to judge these situations, then what? I don't believe there is no right and wrong here. I believe very much there is wise behavior and there is foolish behavior. And sometimes foolish behavior leads to trouble for more than just the parties involved. So what should my response be? To these people I want to offer unsolicited advice, to steer them to a safer course, but to do so is to risk being "judgmental," both in their eyes and in God's. And then there is the question of whether my voicing my opinions would change anything anyway. We all know people rarely appreciate or heed even solicited advice that stands in the way of something they REALLY want let alone unsolicited advice. These societal issues get me to feeling restless since we all must share and steward this society together. We rise and fall together to some degree.

One passage of scripture that I did not quote the other day but is probably one of the better known is the one that follows. Jesus is giving his famous "Sermon on the Mount"--he is just beginning his ministry and teaching ordinary folks about God's kingdom and how it is to reside within them. One warning he gives is this one on judging others:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:1-5

I really believe most people hear "do not judge others" and stop there. They do not see what is really going on here nor do they comprehend this matter within the whole context of the New Testament, which clearly instructs Christians to "test everything" to discern good from evil and to "resist the evil person." Let's look at Jesus' words closely:

One part of the warning involves finding something small that another person has done or believed wrongly--(a "speck" in their eye)--while at the same time failing to do anything about the large something wrong ("plank") in your own life. He goes on to say, "first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." This is interesting! We can be made to see clearly. We do not have to stay "blind," that is, without moral knowledge. Jesus elsewhere proclaims he has come to give sight to the blind (spiritually and physically blind) and considers it folly for the "blind to lead the blind"--for those who are spiritually blind to instruct others.

He desires us to see clearly. And from there, we are able to "remove the speck" from our brother's eye. He does NOT say, You should ignore your brother's problem/sin. And we know from reading elsewhere in the New Testament that believers are urged to humbly attempt to turn a sinning brother to repentance. What is another key word here? Brother. I am not sure, but since Jesus intentionally directed the whole of his three-year ministry to the Jews and not to others (he knew God's redemptive message was to be for the whole world but that that greater ministry would occur after his death), I think it is safe to believe that He is speaking to a mostly Jewish crowd. The Jews had a culture deliberately kept separate from the rest of the people groups around them, and separate from the Roman Empire even though they lived within the Empire. Culturally, they were brothers to one another. And the same was true for the first believers that made up the early church. It is true for us believers today. I think that is important context to keep in mind when analyzing His words.

I think that context gives a person like myself some parameters to work with when it comes to judging others. First, I must be clean before God through repentance of MY sins (repentance means turning away from), and seeing clearly. Second, I have received jurisdiction to speak to a fellow believer about their sin, but not necessarily to non-believers. To do the latter requires, I believe, a direct, unmistakeable prompting from God. He has "appointed some to be prophets" to condemn what is evil or false and to praise and encourage what is righteous and true, for any and all to hear. Any believer must be careful not to step into such a role without God's prompting, lest he be a "false prophet," which is greatly offensive to God. There is much to deter us from proclaiming judgment hastily and unworthily. Lord help us.

The other side of this coin called Judgment is "Mercy," one of my favorite topics. I look forward to exploring that at a future date.

Favorite Easter Candy :)

1. Russell Stovers cream-filled eggs, all varieties!
2. Reeses Peanut Butter eggs, the big ones! (the small ones aren't good enough!)
3. Peeps! *yeah, I know, shocking!*
4. Cadbury eggs, although it's hard to finish one all at once anymore

I only had an itty bit of candy this year and no Peeps (!), so I think I may escape the 5-lb Easter weight bump, which is caused more by an overall heightened sugar addiction and subsequent cave-in to all things sweet than to an actual amount of candy consumed.

I love carrots and celery, I love carrots and celery, I will think like a REAL rabbit and not some Cadbury bunny, I love spinach, I love spinach....

P.S. Least favorite is jelly beans, although 'Jelly Bellies' are tolerable.

Happy Easter!

Jesus is Risen!
Hallelujah!

Other than the freezing temperature and my getting only six hours of sleep, it was a pleasant day, complete with some much-welcome glimpses of sunlight between light snow flurries. Church began at 9 AM for everyone, no second service, no Sunday school or Nursery or anything to keep folks from worshiping together.

Our youngest took in her first Easter Egg Hunt this evening with her siblings' guidance, finding twelve not-so-hidden plastic eggs filled with one animal cracker each. She quickly learned to sit down with each egg and find the prize. She wasn't however allowed to eat all twelve tonight! The three older children were treated to a Hunt after lunch to find their hidden Easter baskets, and again later in the day to find candy-filled eggs. One year we hosted it in our backyard and invited a few neighbor children, which was lovely. I hope we can do that again some year when the weather cooperates. By the time that happens, though, our older children may be merely helpers to their younger siblings. A warm, sunny Easter is a rarity it would seem....

We had a fine feast, thanks to a great recipe for peppery roast and my industrious husband, who fixed it along with baked potatoes and his own cinnamony-sweet "holiday carrots." (Ham would have been preferred as a special treat, admittedly, but alas it wasn't in the budget this year.) While he worked at that, the children played with the neighbors outdoors and I duly "entered into His rest" with a good nap.

Easter Eve

I never fail to be amazed that this was written approx. 700 years Before Christ!

Isaiah 53
A prophecy from the prophet Isaiah, c. 700 BC

Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgressions of my people he was stricken.
He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered among the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

On Being Judgmental--Good Friday musings

I went for a walk tonight as the last traces of daylight waned in a heavy sky and fat raindrops began to fall. Looking back on it, those were fitting conditions for what my mind was about to dwell on.

As I walked, my mind turned to what I've written lately in my blog and what I might write about in coming days. In keeping a blog, I have a venue to write about whatever I will, a venue to let my thoughts be known to a wide audience (potentially), and I've never had that before. It is an interesting position to be in. It opens the door, however, to being known better, and in being known better, to have people form opinions both in my favor and against me. I have decided I can live with that, I think. It is a good exercise for any adult...to own up publicly to what he privately believes.

As I had these thoughts during my walk, I was reminded of the common assertion sometimes made against people who voice their opinions, and one that has twice been claimed against me (once when I didn't say anything to cause it): "You're being judgmental" or "I feel like you're judging me." I find that claim an interesting puzzle for several reasons, some of which I hope I can explore tonight. First, let's look at the shades of meaning for the word judgment, found online at www.merriam-webster.com:

Main Entry: judg·ment
Variant(s): or judge·ment \ˈjəj-mənt\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a: a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion b: an opinion so pronounced
2 a: a formal decision given by a court b (1): an obligation (as a debt) created by the decree of a court (2): a certificate evidencing such a decree
3 a capitalized : the final judging of humankind by God b: a divine sentence or decision; specifically : a calamity held to be sent by God
4 a: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing b: an opinion or estimate so formed
5 a: the capacity for judging : discernment b: the exercise of this capacity
6: a proposition stating something believed or asserted
synonyms see sense

And now let's look at the entry for judgmental:

Main Entry: judg·men·tal
Pronunciation: \ˌjəj-ˈmen-təl\
Function: adjective
Date: 1909
1 : of, relating to, or involving judgment
2 : characterized by a tendency to judge harshly
— judg·men·tal·ly \-ē\ adverb

OK. What do we find in these two entries? I hope no one has a problem with 4a above:

4 a: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing

We all need to be judges, to form our own opinions, or else we'll be led by liars and fools all our lives. If we could all judge rightly and live accordingly, there'd be no need for the justice system. How could parents parent without being judgmental? Of course latter generations have been afraid to parent according to any standards, to deplorable outcomes. When we watch TV, go to the movies, listen to comedians or talk radio, read literature--we are listening to others' judgments about life and people and morality, etc. We need to be discerning of what we're hearing and form our own opinions. I assert that every person DOES form his own judgments on a daily basis. One of which is sometimes, "Don't be judgmental." It takes that person having their own certain set of beliefs to feel put upon, or judged, by others.

So the real problem I believe is when people feel that the other person is speaking from a higher level of authority, as when a person feels judged by a peer. Who are they to judge me?, they think. The other problem is when the judgment, or opinion, is rendered harshly. While I agree the latter has no good excuse, I find the former worth exploring.

Let's look at the matter of speaking as from a position of authority. There's no doubt, that DOES tick people off. But I have to ask, WHY? Is it because they believe there is no authority higher than their own opinions and judgments, and therefore no one has the right to judge them? I believe that is the key. We are living in an age where everyone is a god to themselves, and they claim they are all the more enlightened for it. I was that person, too. And my brain was my god. During my walk tonight, my thoughts wrapped around this concept of being judged for taking a stance, esp. for taking a stance in the name of a god bigger than my own head, i.e. the "True God." I thought of how that just raises people's hackles like little else. I am fully aware of that. I used to get my hackles raised, too. And then God slowly and painfully chipped away at my self-righteousness. One way He did that was to show me the way I was like the world in my regard of Jesus:

After this, Jesus went around in Galilee, purposely staying away from Judea because the Jews were there waiting to take his life. But when the Jewish Feast of Tabernacles was near, Jesus' brothers said to him, "You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do. No one who wants to become a public figure acts in secret. Since you are doing these things, show yourself to the world." For even his own brothers did not believe in him. Therefore, Jesus told them, "The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil. You go to the Feast. I am not yet going to the Feast, because for me the right time has not come." John 7:1-8


And here, on the eve of his crucifixion, the warning he made to his disciples of the persecution to come showed me where I stood, as one who had rejected him:

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. He who hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father." John 15:18-24

Furthermore, Jesus had a lot to say about judgment. Here are two samples:

"For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind." John 9:39

"There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I speak will condemn him at the last day." John 12:48

I am not above those who are guilty of rejecting Jesus. I am clumped with the rest of humanity. I cannot dwell on any of this without recognizing my own inherent waywardness that mocked Him in my past, and still many times fails Him in the present. And yet, Jesus sends us who believe in Him to tell others what God stands for and what God is against. That puts us in the position of being a messenger for One who IS in a higher position of authority. We do not speak for ourselves--at least not when we are at our best (unfortunately we let our own egos and agendas get in the way at times).

As Jesus told the Jews: "He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him." John 7:18

When a Christian sounds as though they are speaking with authority, it's because they are! But it's not their own authority, and that is easily misunderstood. It is up to the listener to decide, WHY does this bother me? Is it WHAT they are saying, or that I feel they don't like me as much as I like myself? Is it that they don't stand by approvingly while I form my own opinions, or do whatever I want? and so on. It's a question of From whom do we seek approval, Man or God? If we're honest, we see that we all desire to be approved, to know we're "OK." We spend a lot of time justifying ourselves to ourselves, and to others. Much of the book of John is devoted to this foundational issue, especially as it was manifested in the violent, persecuting hatred of the Pharisees toward Jesus, who claimed to be justified by God the Father, the Father they looked to also. Moreover, Jesus claimed to be the Son of God, which the Pharisees saw as blasphmeous. It is that self-justifying hatred that drove Jesus to the cross, and it presides in all of us, for we'd all rather have our own way and not hear that what we do is evil.

As dusk descended on the last stretch of my walk, I realized anew that today is Good Friday. I had remembered throughout the day, but my ponderings had become an unplanned reminder of why Christians observe this day, the day of Christ's crucifixion: although we take a stand for what is right in the name of God, we too are guilty of sin. We count ourselves among those who mocked and threw stones at Jesus, who is continually rejected in each age.

Finally this night, I recall Jesus' brave words to his disciples, just before being betrayed by Judas:

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!"
John 12:27-28

Pregnancy, a state of Worship

Another mom and I were sharing some thoughts online about pregnancy. She is expecting her fourth child around the same time as my baby is due, the first half of August. She is beginning to have some unpleasant symptoms that are forcing her to rest more and do less, and she admits to disliking that. I know the same is coming for me no later than the start of the third trimester, in about seven weeks. This subject of having to slow down in pregnancy, either due to morning sickness in the beginning, or imposed bedrest, or just the inevitable heaviness and discomforts of the late stages, is a subject I've thought about a lot over the past several years. This is what I wrote to her in the few minutes I had and I share it here because it's a summary of what I've come to believe:

I used to resent slowing down, but I have slowly, stubbornly learned to embrace it as God's will for me in pregnancy. As I look at it, He designed us women with this amazing purpose, and I don't think He intended us to do all we do today. I think He meant for humans to live a simpler life geared around the basic needs of life, and supported by a close-knit community who help one another more. Kind of like the Amish, actually. I think He figured that way we'd make more time to hear from Him and worship Him. That take on things has made the sacrifices in pregnancy more of an act of worship for me than it used to be, and that redirects my anxious thoughts.

To be honest, I still resent slowing down at times and I struggle with feeling that I'm "not doing enough" for others. But this is what I keep coming back to: Christians believe they are to worship God with all their heart, mind, body, soul and strength. That's a very tall order that keeps us all challenged on the best of days. It is part of the command to be holy. Since I am a married woman with a devotion to Christ, I have had to wrestle with what that means in particular to childbearing. Over the thirteen years since my first pregnancy, I have wrestled much! The demands of childbearing on the body, as well as on every other aspect of life, have kept it front and center for a large part of those years. I am now at the point that it grieves me to hear anyone, man or woman or child, treat pregnancy as something inconvenient to be reluctantly endured. I think that dishonors God. I think it misses out on the pertinent fact that women spend many, many months of their lives in the state of pregnancy (even with just two children) followed up by many months of breast-feeding and/or post-partum recovery. We really have to purge ourselves of the mindset that this is an inconvenience, a distraction from real living. Not only does it dishonor our Creator, but it also depletes meaning from the sacrifices we make in those months and years of our lives and there is the danger that it will diminish our attitude towards our children and parenting them, too. If we are to worship God fully with our bodies, then it seems apparent to me that we do so in the pregnant state as much as in any other. Not only should we embrace pregnancy, but we should be a support to all women in that state as well.

Morning Meditation on Psalm 63

Psalm 63:1-8

A psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah.

O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches.
Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.

This psalm and Psalm 62 keep reappearing in my life. If I weren't privately journaling about them, I wouldn't even have known that in the past two months they have cropped up at separate times to minister to me as if for the first time. My faith life has been something of a Wildnerness for many months--a state of confusion and longing and resentments. But I have learned some precious truths about being in an arid place. God LED the Israelites to that place. He had many things to teach them there. He had testings to put them through there. He had blessings for them there. Their cooperation was the key in how long they stayed there.

O Lord, let me be cooperative!

So much more to dwell on, but there is the smell of a ripe baby bottom in the air!

Doll Babies

I've been thinking a lot lately about money, death, eternity, laundry.... But heck, some days I just want to look at my gorgeous babies and go no further. I wish I had thought of these pics from last November when trying to find ways to announce our newest pregnancy. I could have made them into a notecard and written "Genevieve is eagerly anticipating the arrival of her new sibling!"

I miss my grandmothers

It is the start of Holy Week. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic and soulful today as I can't separate this time of year from thoughts of my grandmothers, both deceased. And I wouldn't want to anyway.

I think especially of my father's mother who lived close-by. My memories of her at many Easters are some of the most significant reasons why I love this holy season. I saw her mostly at church every week, and afterwards as we either went out to lunch or accompanied her to deliver altar flowers to shut-ins. I still hear her voice singing next to me during some of the hymns we sing today.

Outwardly, she always looked marvelous. She had a regal style that made my little-girl self proud to be with her. She wore amazingly soft fur coats that had been given to her, and usually two eye-popping rings on her lovely hands. She loved to wear colorful scarves, huge brooches and costume jewelry too. And she always, always smelled good.

But much more importantly than her outward handsomeness, her spirit radiated His presence. My grandmother was a private-duty nurse for years, but from what I understand, did it for family and friends as much as for pay. In the second half of her life she was made wealthy as a result of her good deeds, literally. A friend left her an inheritance due in part because of the devotion with which she had nursed that friend's mother. She wasn't a worrier. She smiled at everyone, and greeted them like every soul deserves, preciously. She laughed easily and had a mischievous sense of humor. She was tender and generous and faithful. She knew what she stood for and she stood Tall. She was full of joy, even while quietly enduring years of incredible physical pain with nary a complaint. My father said that in reading her private journal after her death, he discovered not one unkind word about anyone! That shakes me to the core! The only time I saw her light diminished was when my grandfather died. And she never quite recovered her full spark after that, about nine years before her own death. She wasn't perfect, I know, and I'm sure others who weren't her granddaughter saw and experienced more of her flaws. But I am grateful to have had the vantage point I did. At a critical time in my life, it was knowing her that made me believe that saints could truly be saintly.

Is Spring Ever Tedious?

daffodils aka jonquils


tulips


hyacinth










I caught these images with my camera yesterday. DD7 and I planted several of these only last fall, so this is the first return on those efforts. I was delighted to find the hyacinth in a spot I had forgotten I'd put it. I especially love how there are still raindrops visible. Forgive me if the following is trite--it is hard to avoid platitudes on such a subject!

Is any spring ever redundant or unremarkable? This is something I love about spring. I have been amazed at how spectacularly new the concept seems each year. Something about winter's frozen bleakness seems permanent, like death is permanent to the flesh it visits. Even when I prepare myself for the seasonal burst of color, for the expansion of life in new sounds and new creatures, I am still astonished by how great it is when it finally happens. I love how its timing lines up with the lengthening of the days and the return of warmth. I realize it has to be this way, but the very intelligence behind that is marvelous to me.

I have heard many sermons on the resurrection, and I know that it purposely happens in the Church calendar during spring. Jesus' return from death to life is central to the Christian faith and it too will never be a tedious subject. Good Friday and Easter are just next week, so of course it's not far from my mind. There is much I might enjoy writing about that but not tonight. Instead I am thinking, even without those ceremonies and celebrations, spring is so fascinating. I mean, why the gigantic bouquet, God? Why cover the ground in flowers? Doesn't it strike everyone in the universe as a gift? And to us horticulturists, flowers equal fruit, which gives life to man and beast, fruit equals seeds, and seeds are a promise of the next generation. Then of course that gets me, a woman pregnant with life, thinking about the way of a man with a woman. I love this quote from scripture:

There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Yes, four which I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the air
The way of a serpent on a rock,
The way of a ship in the midst of the sea,
And the way of a man with a virgin.
Proverbs 30:18-19

How inscrutible some things were to the ancient mind! Things like buoyancy and flight, which we can study and understand now to the infinite degree. They have become commonplace to us--all too commonplace in the case of sex, unfortunately. At least I can take heart in the fact that there still remain many mysteries. I am glad we cannot make it rain. I am glad we cannot stop death. And I am glad we do not control the seasons.

Just like Disney showed us in his tribute to this season, Bambi, spring is a time for "twitterpation"!

Now is spring ever tedious?

Ultrasound, Baby!

Here are a few fun shots from Feb. 20th when I was 16 weeks pregnant. My favorite is the wave. :) I'm now over 19 wks along and go in for another u/s tomorrow. I got fifth's disease with this pregnancy (brought on by the parvovirus; usually you get it as a child and never deal with it again but apparently I never did!) It can cause severe anemia in the baby while in utero, so they have to monitor it for a while. If baby is still fine by April 8th the doctors will no longer worry about it.

Aquarium Lovin'

Since I just posted some of these pictures to another site, I thought I'd go ahead and add a blog about our enjoyment of our fish hobby. I NEVER thought I'd want to keep fish, or like it at all, but with children come lots of new adventures!

I'm just a novice at this, but it has been interesting all the same. We got this underway 7 months ago and I am hooked on this now! I hope to move from goldfish to tropicals when our current fish die or are given away (the children are currently attached to them.) We just have a 5-gal. and a 10-gal. aquarium, but it has been really fun, and not too hard getting started or too expensive, though you do have to factor in over $100 for the necessary start-up supplies.

My children won 5 goldfish (the ultra cheap feeder fish) at a neighborhood pool party last year, and we already had the empty 5-gal from the year before when we made some mistakes purchasing tropical fish from the grocery store (!) with no idea what we were doing and they died quickly. After the fish were in the 5-gal, one died right away (Goldie was her name and very much beloved by DD7), so we were down to four. That week I bought the 10-gal tank for DD9's room since we needed more room for the fish and I knew she'd take good care of it. Two fish stayed in the 5 gallon (Leopard and Squeak) and two were moved to the 10 -gal (Behemoth and Percy). What was cool was they were marked with lots of black when we got them and over the first few weeks they got golder, which I learned was a sign of health (black smudge disease is what they had from being in a crowded store tank.)

With guidance from Jack's Aquarium store, we added 1 cory catfish and 1 dwarf plecostomus (bottom- and algae-eaters) to the 5 gal. and we added 2 cories and 1 dwarf pleco to the 10-gal. We are soon going to move the 2 goldfish from the 5 gal to the 10 gal and then make the 5 gallon suitable for tropicals, yay! We'll just put something like 3 guppies in there because they stay small, are colorful, and I've heard are fun to watch. We'll get all one sex, though, unless advised differently. Eventually we'd love to have tropical fish in both tanks, and even maybe get a large tank, like 35-55 gallons. DD9 can't wait to have pink (white) kissing gouramis. :)

Here's some pics, even though they can't compare to tropicals for beauty. I really like seeing them in the kitchen, though I can see how it might turn some people off. ;)

5-gal in kitchen (this is August, 1 month into it; fish are bigger now)


you can barely see the pleco bottom center (December, fish are yet bigger now)


10 gal in DD's room (October):


the are eating freeze-dried shrimp. We just bought some big rocks and want to get more plants to add soon:


It is truly fun for the whole family![:D]

Relational

I can't sleep tonight, and as I lay there wondering if getting up would help or not, I thought about what I might do if out of bed.... I thought about what was keeping me awake..... I realized that I couldn't get thoughts of many, many people and recent conversations or hoped-for future conversations out of my head. So that made me think of a Blog I've been meaning to revisit, and my own blog, and of letters I want to write, etc.

I am amazed once again to realize how relational a person I am. This has been a revelation over the last year or two. I've always been called shy, and I am, but like a lot of shy people, I care about people more than I'm comfortable showing. I don't consider myself very good at making new friends, but like the girl scout song, I do try to "keep the old..." :) I literally live for the relationships in my life, and what I'm also realizing, that's what I usually counsel others about. Any time I'm compelled to go out of my way to counsel or comfort someone it usually has to do with their need for relational healing, or guidance, or that sort of thing. I urged one woman who wanted so badly to be a mom but kept having miscarriages to rethink her situation at a job that was creating lots of stress. I told her she sounded like a very nurturing person and maybe she just needed to find something that would let her use that part of her nature, and remove herself from the source of the stress. I was thinking the stress might be adding to her reproduction woes, as I know it can. A few months later she quit her job, started a jewelry design business from home, and after about eight months of trying, conceived and now is almost 30 weeks pregnant! I can't be more thrilled for her until her baby actually arrives. Another mom and I are now talking via internet about Post-partum depression which I had in some measure after my first was born. I would spend hours a day talking with people like that if I could.

And then there's my children. I could never have guessed how much my children would mean to me. How much I could enjoy children! It has turned my life upside down. I am such a different person for knowing them. They rule me, heheheh, but I try not to let them know it!

My oldest daughters were so cute today. They had a 'snow day' and so I suggested they do some crafts as they often feel they don't have enough time for them. They took to that idea and spent HOURS at the kitchen table making homemade Valentine's Day cards for each of the family members. They decorated white lunch bags for each of us and put them on the mantle. The bags really add a festive touch! I am a poor decorator, but my DD9 is pretty smart that way; I look forward to her help more and more in the future LOL!

[My friend commented I should add a pic of the results, so here is one!]




At my daughters' urging, I sat down for a while and started making DH a card. This is what I think it's going to say when I'm all done:

PAPA BEER, Will U (picture of three bees--because we have a stamp like that and thought my daughters would like it :) ) My

open up card:

(picture of a cupcake)

[just so it's clear, all told it says, "Papa Beer, will you be my...Cupcake?" He likes beer, I like cupcakes, I had to come up with something quick, I don't get out much, yada yada]

OK, that was mushy and private, not to mention corny ;-) .... I'm really trying to stretch out of my shy existence here! One of my many nicknames for DH is Papa Bear, so I was about to stamp the "A" in "BEAR" and I was still holding the "E" stamp in my hand, about to wash it off, when I thought, if I stamp "E" again it would say "BEER" and that would be an "oops" but wait a minute, I like that better! DH does love a good beer.

I have had a strange illness for about a week, but the symptoms seemed disconnected and maybe they are. My DD7 was diagnosed around 1/31 with "fifth's disease" and thankfully that's not as bad as it sounds--just a nuisance virus that clears up after a few days--unless you're a pregnant woman. DD7 got over it and I got it. And in case I haven't written this here already, I am a pregnant woman. Yeah. This virus also known as human parvovirus B19 and it can, in a low % of pregnancies, harm the fetus, even fatally.... I have come to terms with that, and really I'm not too worried, I trust in whatever God's will is, but now I'm just trying to figure out these wacky symptoms. Five days after the rash appeared (it was gone in 12 hours thankfully cuz it itched like no one's business) I got really tired and achy in my joints. I figured I was coming down with some lovely new virus. I never got a fever, though. Instead I got weird circulation problems. My joints are a little less sore, but the stranger thing is my legs hurt the minute I stand on them. They feel like I've just gotten over the pins-and-needles stage of getting my circulation back. And my arms get tingly after holding my one-year-old for a short time. And my hands fell asleep in my sleep the other day.... I thought this all might be related to the pregnancy, so I called my midwives' office today but the nurse thought it could be relatied to the fifth's disease...she said achiness can last a while with it, which I hadn't heard or read before that. I still think the circulation problem though is troubling. I see the OB at the office this week and I'm sure he'll have some interesting things to say to me regarding this "disease." I am a little nervous about whether we'll hear the baby's heartbeat this time. I did think I felt it kick a few days ago, though, so that was encouraging. I love those first little flutters!

Despite that unusual drama in my otherwise calm life, I am on a Positive Thinking trip these days--no I'm not a Norman Vincent Peale follower--I'm just realizing how important PT really is in anyone's life, and how hard it is for this naturally-melancholy person to sustain it. I believe in living in truth, but I also know we shape our lives by our thinking to a good deal. Like the scripture says, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is..." or something like that anyway (I'm too tired to look it up)! ;-) I'm using this Lenten season to focus on the goodness of God, His power, His everlasting love, His beautiful creation, etc. I just really couldn't make myself focus on the usual lenten fare of repentance for sins and sorrow, as good as that all is. I've been down long enough, time for the sunshine!

So I guess it's time for this chatty, tired mama to get herself back to bed.... Before I go I'm going to try to upload a picture again.

Thinking of spring....



This picture was captured last year, just before a late frost nipped these first, tender buds, and they never came back. We planted this tree only the spring before so we have enjoyed its bloom just that once so far... I really hope we see it this year!

Photo experimenting

I am going to experiment a moment with "adding an image"
These are of a snowfall in December, looking out on our backyard--two favorite views. In the second I zoomed in a bit and also changed the setting on the camera, trying to capture the individual snowflakes--it kinda worked.

Yay, after several failed attempts, these finally showed up!

Gathering Dust

It's been a while since I wrote anything, but this blog isn't the only thing gathering dust. Every now and then I come across another human being--these days it's normally through the internet, sad to say--and I'm made aware of how little deep thinking or feeling I do anymore. I fall into ruts of thinking over the same tired topics. I feel like my soul has been gathering dust for some time, and I'm too bored to do anything about it.

Before writing this I was cleaning my bathroom sink and counter. When that was finished, I noticed some grime on the bathroom wall, and from there my sponge went higher on the wall, where I encountered cobwebs. That got me to thinking about how I can let some things go so long, either not seeing how they're gathering dust, or not caring enough to do something about it. I don't like to clean, and I tend to avoid it, but when I start, I hate to stop and can't stop finding things that could be cleaner...it's exciting to watch the clean come out, and to know the job won't have to be done for a while, either, LOL. That's just how it's been with tending to my soul of late. I've been apathetic. I've let myself read about Britney's latest meltdown rather than delve into anything more penetrating. (Except for one highlight over the holiday break: I started reading Edith Wharton's House of Mirth and have thoroughly enjoyed its literary beauty if not the depressing plot.)

I came across a blog today through an internet friend and didn't want to stop reading it. The mother is my age and devoted her blog to the short life of her son. Her months and months of insights as she lived through his progressively worsening health, his death, and through grieving him really shed light on how shallow my own faith-life has become in recent months. But more than that, I was blessed by her story, her son's life, and how much I still have to learn about loving, losing, and leaning on God.